Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.